You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
