i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
