i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
