when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
