when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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