You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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