Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Randomize
