i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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