..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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