I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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