Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
