grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
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