She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
This toilet bowl is my home.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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