do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize
