I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
