Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
