Yo dont text me then not text me
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
