Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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