the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
