u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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