broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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