I haven't been this sober since birth.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
