Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
