if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
