I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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