THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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