I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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