Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
The adults are the big ones right?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
