I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
