Since when is my name a synonym for head?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
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Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
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How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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