I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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