i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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