so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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