I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
