mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
