Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
