mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
last night I used snow as a chaser
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
