is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
