Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
