we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
