this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
