worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
