i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
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