My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
