I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
