Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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