I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
