I'm going to jail i love you
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
