my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
where am i from again
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
