My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
