Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
