Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
