Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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