I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
