god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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