we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
