these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
