ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
