I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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