So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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