were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
