I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Apparently you make a good broom.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
