South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
