it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
